My Thoughts on Snow White & The Huntsman *SPOILERS*

WARNING: Huge spoilers to come. So please, please, do not read on if you haven’t seen Snow White but you plan to.

*clears throat* On with the rave….

First of all, I give it 5 stars. For blowing my mind and making me want to sing along with Florence + The Machine at the end. But then again, when do I not want to sing along with Flo?

To sum the movie up in one word: BEA-UTIFUL. The winter courtyard? The drops of blood on the snow? The forest? Gorgeous. All of it.

At the beginning, we have a young Snow White, who is totally cute with her freckles and innocence, and her daddy, the King.

What’s the deal with kings? They’re always being tricked and murdered and taken down by pretty women. Never put a man in charge of a kingdom. He and his sex drive will always screw it up, am I right?

Moving on….

So the evil queen kills daddy and locks little Snow up. *sad face* And, just for kicks, the evil queen brings in her creepy brother and sets him up in the castle.

This guy was the epitome of all things EW. Blond bowl cut, crappy teeth, that crazy I-just-might-eat-your-toenails-after-I-kill-you look in his eyes. Honestly, I found him to be more villainous than Charlize. The queen, at least, had a motive for all her evil.

Don’t hate me, but I sorta sympathize with the evil queen. She got jacked. And isn’t it true that sometimes men throw aside that which ages for something new? I feel her pain. Her first husband sounds like a d-bag and Snow’s father only married her for her beauty…I get it. She’s angry at the direct correlation between beauty and power. And she should be. It’s not fair. But does that justify eating bird organs and sucking the life from poor Gretta? NO.

So the mirror (which was freakin’ awesome by the way…I’m so getting myself a liquid gold grim reaper mirror to hang in my bathroom) tells the queen that Snow White can keep her young forever and the queen sends her eerie bro after Snow in the dungeon tower. Because there’s always a grimy tower with a dungeon room overlooking a thousand-foot drop to a jagged collection of rocks and an angry sea. Always.

I was hoping Snow would thrust that conveniently-found rusty nail she had through the slimy brother’s jugular and bring his miserable life to an end on her cot, but no. Still. Good stabbing and jabbing on Snow’s part and nice escaping through the tunnel of poop. *thumbs up*

Let’s talk about Kristen Stewart. I was pleased. I honestly did not think K-Stew could pull off a tough Snow White character, but she did. And she did it without reminding me of Bella. Well except for the kissing scene with William. All I saw there was an awkward Bella kissing a handsome man in the woods. But other than that, bravo.

She was tough, she was brave, she was determined, and–praise the stars above–she was NOT a swooner. *rolls eyes*

It’s a about time our fairytale princesses stopped tripping into love with rich sissy boys simply because their castle is next door. Good Lord, go find a hot, drunkard peasant with more ghosts in his closet than skeletons and hang out with him for a few days.

Oh, wait. That’s what happened. HOLLAAAAA!

Chris Hemsworth. *big sigh* He was a magnificent Huntsman. He was angry and selfish and drunk and haunted and I just wanted to give him a bath and kiss away his demons. I bought it. I bought every emotion, every selfish action, every grasp at redemption…I bought his character with every last penny I had. Good job, Chris.

William. Gah. Even though he was an “amazing” archer or whatever–and we all know I have a soft spot for Archers (insert shameless plug for Archers of Avalon series here)–he drove me mad. I liked his hair, but hated his attitude. “I won’t abandon her again.” Okay, first of all, jump off your blasted horse and go back and get your best friend, you coward child. She’s going to burn to death in the castle walls and you’re just going to let your daddy gallop you away? Fail. You lost me at “Hi, my  daddy is the duke.”

The magic forest. *devilish smile*

The creepy forest was well-done and surprisingly similar to the forest in Disney’s Snow White. (Because the old Disney movies are terrifying. Pinocchio? Are you kidding me? Carnivals and foxes were ruined forever.)

But Snow White and the Huntsman’s enchanted magical forest… *big sigh* beautiful. Next to Avatar, this place is where I want to go when I die. The turtles, the butterflies, the vivid moss (that’s right, I said “vivid moss”), the fairies–the FAIRIES–my favorite! I want one. Like, as a pet.

I was very happy for K-Stew, finding her magical kingdom of colorful bliss and short men. I wanted her to set up a tent and make herself at home beside the lake with her white horse–

Wait, where’s her white horse? *looks around* Oh, that’s right. She left her magically-appearing-on-the-beach steed in the black quicksand at the edge of the forest. What the…?

Your horse straight up rescues you from the evil queen and you’re just going to bail on him and let him drown in tar? Why you wretched, dirty, spoiled–  Oh, look! The Huntsman’s back. *smile* I’m better now.

The village women with scars on their cheeks? Amazing. Heart-wrenching subplot with a strong statement. I hope there’s a spin-off.

I really liked the disgruntled dwarfs and their obvious distaste for the Huntsman. I also liked that one of them was blind, but could “see” everything. We need more Oracles in folklore. And in real life.

Remember when the witch crawled out of the tar with her black feathers? Yeah. Disgusting and beautiful at the same time. How Charlize manages to make ugly look beautiful, I have no idea. But she does. And she does it well.

The Kiss.

When William kissed Snow, I was like, “No. Wha–He’s not..? He is! She’d better not wake up. If she wakes up from his kiss I’m going to throw my popcorn!” But she didn’t. Take that, pretty boy.

To be fair, I’m sure William did care about Snow. And they probably end up together anyway because girls are ALWAYS choosing the wrong guys in fairy tales. But whatever. I didn’t want him to win in the movie and he didn’t. So yay.

Now when the Huntsman kissed Snow I was all like, “Yes, yes, yes! Wake up, Snow! You’re his redemption! You gave him something to fight for!” And when she did wake up and got all badass and was like,  “Let’s take back the castle!” I was like, “Awesome! Now go find your Huntsman and throw yourself at him.”

But wait.

This wasn’t that kind of story. This was a story about true love, redemption, greed and triumph over evil. (Because evil always has to lose. Otherwise, the galaxy will implode. It’s a scientific fact.)

And I must say, I liked it. I liked that the movie didn’t center around that one big kiss where the girl runs into the guy’s arms and they live happily ever after with a dog and a cat and 2.5 children. Because that’s not how life works. And, apparently, that’s not how visually stunning, magically dark, modernly-altered storytelling works either. And for that, I say, FIVE STARS. :)